hey girl, whats up?
Nothing.
And it’s scary. I am fully consumed by alot of my thoughts regarding my life recently. Aside from the concerns this 2020 brought up to earth, another part or dimension off my mind are fighting a separate battle.
Starting the year right was my goal but starting strong was a dilemma. Right now, my body is physically tired and my soul is yearning for a fiery adventure. Living your adult years by just going to work, then home and work the next day has been numbing my soul these past years. I am looking for an adventure and I know it is what I truly need.
Have you ever watched the maze runner? on the part where they are trapped inside the maze with nowhere to go, and absolutely no clue of a world outside of it? I kinda feel it like that. The grievers represents my anxieties, doubts and limitations.
I was always the kind to live comfortably and in my safe zone ALWAYS. This lessens my anxiety alot in many ways. But alongside calming my anxieties, staying on my comfort zone is also killing my inner passion. And it hurts. It hurts trying to live everyday for the sake of just surviving the day. I itch for adventure, a fire to my soul, a burning sensation of excitement, nervousness, a thrill.
I wish I was like those I watched in youtube. Fully driven individuals living their dreams, doing what they love. Sadly, not all have been blessed to do so. 😣
Outside my thoughts, I honestly feel like a normal person. Just smiling, talking and reacting like nothing bad has ever gone through her life. And I kinda feel sick sometimes. There is just a slight feeling of discomfort in my stomach when I mention travelling. Alone. Lately, I am always alone. But the feeling of being alone in a foreign place, just doing foreign things creeps the sh*t out of me. It scares me.
I always thought I could do things on my own. I thought I could manage. I am always an independent girl just because I feel like I have no one to trust but myself. Yes, I am one with trust issues. I wish I could be cured from it. But, that’ my flaw. And I am not proud of it.
Always thinking alot, I get tired of my thoughts sometimes. Even if I close my eyes, pretend everything is fine, I know deep down it wasn’t. I wish there is a stop button I can push when my thoughts are overracing in my head. I wish my brain would just pause and feel just numb sometimes. But then, as they say, always be careful what you wish for.
I don’t want to die……yet. This wasn’t a suicidal thought or whatever, it’s just an irky feeling of living and wasting my years doing absolutely nothing. Maybe this is pure wanderlust. or just an itchy feet for adventure. But I wanna do it. So bad its eating me inside…
Love, Merryl Ann 