Don’t want to be Atlas

Sigh. Sigh. Deep constant breaths. Exhale. Pause. Thoughts running around my mind. Down mood. Problems, problems, problems. I am constantly having this feeling of anxiety and stress over my mind.

Sometimes, no, most of the time I imagine my life to be different from what it is now. I am constantly thinking that I am in a different place, different identity, different soul. Maladaptive Daydreaming, yes, I also think I have my mental health in poor condition. I wanted to get out of this feeling. I want to get out of this helplessness. I want to leave my constant problems and be done with everything.

But then, what will my life be after giving up everything? I have no other life aside from this. I was thinking hard about it. My dream? whats my real dream? Is it medicine? Is it blogging? I am still not sure. Maybe I will never be sure and thats the reality of life. You’ll never know until you try. You’ll never know until its already laid before you. Right now, all I know is, I dont want my current disposition. I wanna be free. Free to roam around, just be passive about everything. I want to meet real friends.. Friends who’ll uplift me, encourage me, and spend life with. I want constant companion. I want love. I am tired of fighting alone my hardships. I’m tired of making mistakes and be surrounded with people who put you down.

Enough. Easy to say but hard to achieve. Maybe enough is never real. Because in life, nothing seems enough. Your effort isn’t enough. Money isn’t enough. I just want to lift my wings. I dont want to be atlas. I dont want to carry the burden all by myself. Why cant I be happy. For once? Please.

When I look in the mirror, I cant see who I am. All i see is an empty shell. Maybe it is a reflection of what I feel. For years, its only been me. I know the burden and I cant really pass it to anyone else. It is me after all. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe.

To my dreams, I think it will be long for you and I to meet. I dont even know if I’ll see the end of it. It breaks my heart. I know my younger self is crying in a corner asking me why its taking so long. I ask myself that too. Why?…

Because I still need to be Atlas. I need to carry not only me but my family as well. I have to set aside myself for now. It doesn’t matter right now. Because Atlas was born to endure. Atlas has to be strong.

Fck. I dont want to be Atlas. But damn, I have to.

#1amthoughts

#freeingmyheartandmind