The rain pours. And so is my feelings as it continue to flow in my heart, into my mind and now, unto the keyboards of my phone to you, my reader.
I am feeling devastated today for some reasons I cant fathom. Like sleeping last night thinking why Moi and Jason broke up? To waking up looking blankly at my ceiling then working myself to start the day with coffee. And then in the morning, I came late to work with only a minute past the time.. a minute and three seconds to be exact.
This day wasn’t a good day. I feel it at the beginning of the hour as it ticked but then it is June 1st, and me writing is the first of the good thing that is happening right now. Oh, Then another bad thing, our scheduled badminton hangout with friends got cancelled too. 🥹 See, my thoughts are getting messed up and the train of ideas keep on swimming in my mind. I think writing this is a good thing. Atleast it doesn’t overwhelm me now.
One thing I liked about rain, it is the time where my ideas flow freely. I find myself being calm when it rains. For me, the saying that, “when it rain, it pours” is truly an accurate metaphor. Right now, i don’t even know what to write first, how am i these past weeks? I cant even remember. My emotions do come and go. And i sometimes feel like getting professional help could be a good thing. Is it normal to be so down these past months, then feeling nothing the next, then overthinking, random anxieties and never ending loneliness keeps coming back. It is a never ending roller coaster for me. I think these started when my father got hospitalized. I guess almost losing someone does things to you too. I cant stop overthinking. Yes, I am a born over-thinker. I know that because I am a Capricorn but it gets worst now. Too worse it affects every decisions in my life.
As I feel the cold breeze through my skin, I cant deny the fact that I grew a-bit lonely these pandemic. Less interactions with people had caused me to be wary of crowds. I cant even have a decent group discussions with my workmates. I am with them but my mind sometimes doesn’t. I sometimes do things then forgot doing it. My memories sometimes get clouded too. Is this normal? I even grew quieter with my family too.
Fast forward to now, its June 29, almost a month after I write those first 2 paragraphs. Not the same day but feelings do stay. It is quite different now though. I feel a bit lighter now. Maybe my emotions do fit the seasons. Or it depends if I eat right and sleep enough? Who knows 🤷🏻♀️
Anyways, tomorrow is a no work day for me, I am contemplating whether I want to go somewhere or just stay at home. But this wanderlust is on and I do want to travel even for just a day. I’m thinking pf tagaytay 😊 or maybe just treat myself to a movie 🤔 i’ll just probably update you guys on my next writing. For now, just be reminded that days pass by and so are feelings. My sentiments last june 1st are quite different compared to today. But always remember to always hope for the best no matter what. Always try to seek for the rainbow at the end of each passing storm. You are awesome and you do great everyday. 😘
Sigh. Sigh. Deep constant breaths. Exhale. Pause. Thoughts running around my mind. Down mood. Problems, problems, problems. I am constantly having this feeling of anxiety and stress over my mind.
Sometimes, no, most of the time I imagine my life to be different from what it is now. I am constantly thinking that I am in a different place, different identity, different soul. Maladaptive Daydreaming, yes, I also think I have my mental health in poor condition. I wanted to get out of this feeling. I want to get out of this helplessness. I want to leave my constant problems and be done with everything.
But then, what will my life be after giving up everything? I have no other life aside from this. I was thinking hard about it. My dream? whats my real dream? Is it medicine? Is it blogging? I am still not sure. Maybe I will never be sure and thats the reality of life. You’ll never know until you try. You’ll never know until its already laid before you. Right now, all I know is, I dont want my current disposition. I wanna be free. Free to roam around, just be passive about everything. I want to meet real friends.. Friends who’ll uplift me, encourage me, and spend life with. I want constant companion. I want love. I am tired of fighting alone my hardships. I’m tired of making mistakes and be surrounded with people who put you down.
Enough. Easy to say but hard to achieve. Maybe enough is never real. Because in life, nothing seems enough. Your effort isn’t enough. Money isn’t enough. I just want to lift my wings. I dont want to be atlas. I dont want to carry the burden all by myself. Why cant I be happy. For once? Please.
When I look in the mirror, I cant see who I am. All i see is an empty shell. Maybe it is a reflection of what I feel. For years, its only been me. I know the burden and I cant really pass it to anyone else. It is me after all. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe.
To my dreams, I think it will be long for you and I to meet. I dont even know if I’ll see the end of it. It breaks my heart. I know my younger self is crying in a corner asking me why its taking so long. I ask myself that too. Why?…
Because I still need to be Atlas. I need to carry not only me but my family as well. I have to set aside myself for now. It doesn’t matter right now. Because Atlas was born to endure. Atlas has to be strong.
Fck. I dont want to be Atlas. But damn, I have to.
Have you ever had a feeling that things could have turned out differently for you if you choose something else in the past? How is it feeling that way? Does it make you regret things from the past? Or it makes you realize the things that are happening in your present?
Most of us have their “what ifs”. It is an eerie feeling thinking about what could have been. I find myself lost in those thoughts too. What if I didnt choose my career today? What would I become now?
A whole chunk of ourselves are made from the choices we make. And it is just a matter of acceptance in dealing what you choose that determines how happy a person can be. As the cliche goes, happiness is a choice.
What are your choices that makes you happy? Have you regretted something you’ve done? How does it impact your life now? Was it a good choice or a bad one?
Whatever choice it has been has led to who you are today and if I were you, I would thank experience for that. You are brave, smart, beautiful, cool, fantastic on the way you handle things 💛 you are a working masterpiece. Sure you have mishaps, wrong turns, bumps but those are just pillars for a stronger version of you. So be happy with your choices. Because that makes YOU. 😘
BE FIRM IN YOUR DECISIONS AND THINK IT THROUGH 💙 YOUR FUTURE IS YOURS TO TAKE, YOUR PATH IS YOURS TO TRAVEL. DO NOT EVER THINK THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT WORTH THE WHILE. IT IS. IF YOU MAKE IT AN EXCITING ONE 😚💘
Today, I am inspired to write this one because of so many thoughts in my head. I have been busy with work and one thing I realized is that, I’ve missed alot of opportunities to blog. I cannot blame my work, but myself for not choosing to blog when I have time. And this mere example is a proof that whatever we do in life, it will always be our decision to make. It is ours to decide whether to do things and how to do things. You are your own navigator.
Whatever thing you want to do, do it now. Wherever you want to go, GO. 💘 As much as we want to, there isnt enough time in this world to do the things we want. It is an endless desire but of limited time. What we can do now, we should have the passion to do so because there may come a time that we cannot do it on our own. Live free my child. Have fun 😘
Its been so long guys and alot has happened already. But that’s life, every now and then something happens and that’s the beauty of it. Life’s a constant change and so are you. You are not who you are yesterday. Each day there is something added to you and your soul is carved differently by each experiences. I believe each of us has wondered who they are exactly. Are you your past mistakes? Are you define by your title? Your status?your parents mistake? Or is it you who gets to define your own mark?
As a thinking millenial, many of us has been struggling our way to our own identity. Alot has been set in our society and most of them have already carved in their minds stereotypes and categories to which an individual should fit in. I always try to defy those categories. And I would be wise to advise it to you as well. To you whose been reading my posts, you would know that I always encourage my readers to find their own identity, their own passion, or so to speak, their calling.
You are who you thought you are and you could be who you dreamed to be. I always believe that the mind has immense power to transform our lives. What transcends in your own mind flows into your life and it happens. Believe me, it does.
Mind over matter. The power of your own thoughts. It is essential to recognize the ability of our mind to reshape our lives because it is our own navigator. God gave us our minds to help us figure out things on our own. It is imminent that things happen. But what how we respond to it shapes us, our character, our perceptions and in general, our life.
So as a challenge to you my dear reader, I want you to visualize who you want to be. And work your ass off towards it. It will always start with a thought but it should never ever end there. Mental affirmation is important but physical desperation is also a major key to accomplishing goals. Dream. Conquer. Achieve.
Just a gentle reminder.. what you think will not manifest fast. It could take years to happen. But always trust the process. It is more meaningful than the actual end could be. Enjoy the journey and never lose sight of your goals.
In accordance to alot of socio-economic crisis that is happening in our country, people today have been raising awareness in alot of issues and right now, the most hot topic is mental health.
Having heard alot from it in the news and also the raising statistics of suicide in the Philippines is very alarming adding to the fact that there are some celebrities getting involve in the heated argument regarding how serious mental health is. I know that this is not just happening in our country but also all over the world and I would just like to share what I do believe would help tshare light regarding the issue.
Lately, as I observed alot from the sidetrack of all this, I came to realize that alot of this is rooting from people’s insensitivity. I cannot blame alot of it since having problems on our own is sometimes too much to handle and getting yourself involve in other’s struggles could be extra work too. But sometimes, a little “are you ok?” Or “you can talk to me” can really help in saving someone’s life. Helping others can’t just come from giving money, or offering extra hands, it can also come in kind words, caring thoughts and even just a simple smile or a tap on the back. Who knows what else you have or can do to give light to a doomed persons’ life.
I don’t know in other countries but in the Philippines, people are known to be joyous and happy as our culture have alot of festivities, curated with mix beliefs and high sense of hope (as the saying, Wag kang mawawalan ng pag-asa, which means do not ever lose hope) digged in our minds even as a child by our elders. And it is quite alarming to see that even the happiest people on earth are fighting a battle no one’s even aware.
I, as a friend of someone dealing with depression, knows how sadness can really affect a person’s whole thinking, it can go from “I am Okay :)” to “I want to die 🔫” real quick and seeing and understanding all the signs can really help save an individual’s life.
This fight against mental health could all just be learning to know how to understand the signs or even just being sensitive enough to what others feel. Here are some I have observed on people suffering from depression. (Not a professional regarding this but thought I might share some I know based on my experiences with people suffering from it.)
Too much happiness
Sometimes being to happy and too energetic can still be a sign of dealing with something far from positive. People tend to divert theirselves from their own issues and redirecting it to other things or it could just be a mask to cover up their fucked up thoughts. A simple “are you okay?” Or “it’s okay to tell me everything” could help them face the reality of their problems.
Too quiet or frequent blank stares
People suffering from inner battles can sometimes seclude themselves from the rest of the world. They may not say anything or do something but you can see in their blank stares that there is something going on. A tap on the back or a simple “its okay” can help trigger them to talk to you and share what they are experiencing. Just be a good listener and it can be all that they want.
Too much shared content regarding sadness or some suicidal jokes
Almost all people are using social media as a means of expressing themselves and sometimes it can be a clue on what other people are going through. If you have a friend who likes a lot of sad quotes, sharing some content regarding people suffering from depression, or even posting weird things you can totally pinpoint to someone on the verge of a breakdown, it can be their own subconsciousness sending signals for help.
People are naturally curious about what is going on especially on their life. They can feel a bit of everything and try to search for explanation on the hows or whys of their situation. Being curious in these kind of things can be a key in knowing that someone might be feeling the same way and is trying to appease him/her that what they feel has an explanation or is also a reality to other people.
Seeing these signs may or may not pinpoint a person is currently suffering from suicidal tendencies, it can be just pure sadness and sometimes a fleeting feeling of inadequateness but always remember that little things can pile up and cause bigger problems. Why wait for things to get worse? So if you are feeling these things, or you know someone who quite fit these descriptions, kindly talk to them, ask someone for quality time, talk your problems out and always remember that you can always have a buddy to conquer your battles with.
I hate to hear news of someone causing his/her own life just because someone failed to ask how they are or because someone is too late to understand what is happening. It is a matter of initiative. An initiative to get better, an initiative to help others, an initiative to love and care for each other.
We all have problems and everyone is fighting over it in ways different from ours but we can all support each other and better each other in a way that no one gets left behind. So start a conversation, open yourself up and do not die alone. Killing yourself will not solve your feeling of loneliness, so if you ever hear a voice saying, “You could just die to end all of this” , tell it to fuck off because that is totally wrong. Because at the end of the day, If you come to a point of killing yourself, you are only spreading the disease of loneliness to the ones you love; your family, your friends, your partner, imagine them thinking what they had done wrong for you to come to that point? There was this conversation on How to kill a Rockstarand the conversation goes like this:
“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
But in reality, they are not stopping pain, they are spreading it. Curating false beliefs in the minds of people suffering the same that it would stop when they are killed. But no. They are actually building a cycle of pain that goes in circle. And don’t be a part of that cycle. We put an end to it.
So strengthen yourself, find beauty in everything and find your purpose to live. Because there are a lot of things we can still be grateful of. Do not lose hope and always remember to keep going. If you had the courage on planning to kill yourself, why not have the courage to stand up and turn your life around? Put your bravery in the right direction. Take risk in change rather in constant oblivion.
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Thank you for reading this post. I hope I encourage you all to take a stand in mental health awareness. Let’s all support each other and help fight depression
Love, Merryl Ann 