Loving yourself means unloving things

hey guys, its been awhile. As I was typing this on my phone,I realized how I badly needed this time to release all the thoughts that has been locked up this year. 2020 is so f*cked up in so many ways that I honestly feel that going back to my usual seems just an ideal.
Back on the first quarter of the year, I realized that writing is something I would have wanted to continue growing in as I explore my skills and capabilities in freeing my thoughts through words. But as  days passed, turned into months, I find that I seriously have no free time to even write a single paragraph nor fill my schedule for a blog post. Time passes and  I honestly completely forgot my goals that I set for myself and my blogging earlier this year. So I am back with some thoughts regarding self love that I have learned in this toxic days.

“Self-love requires time. If you dont have time to spare, make time.”

I am always the kind to never have plans. I believe that conquering the day as it passes by has helped me be a hopeful human being. And it was a great trait I believe for someone to be always looking for what’s next and actually expecting the next episode of your life. But lately, as time passes by,I feel like having unplanned days had led to me just being dragged by the current of everyday living. With nowhere to go, I started to feel like a stray log waiting for the end of the flow or waiting for me to be washed on the bank of a river.

During this trying times,I have cried a couple of times especially when I heard the news of my father being diagnosed with coronary disease. A few days after, he had a heart attack. The feeling I felt that day was so heartbreaking I might shed a tear or two just by remembering it. Another heartbreak crashes on me when we heard that we need to raise money worth a million pesos just to pay for his hospitalization. With my thoughts wary and my soul extremely tired, I decided to go home after my dad had settled in his private room. There at my own bathroom while showering, I started to cry myself out. I didn’t know what else to do so I started crying and weeping while praying for things to be over. I felt my pride and my whole being was shattered. During that time, I know that allowing myself to feel the pain helped me cope up and face things more courageously. I thought I wouldnt have time to weep, that I should busy myself in finding solutions to my problems. But as soon as I was able to let go of my feelings,I felt lighter and more stronger. ☺️ There, I learned that allowing yourself to have time to feel weak makes you capable of storing more strength than you thought you already have.

“Self love doesnt mean only you. It also means cultivating your relationships”.

Sometimes, your road to self-love could make you self centered. And adding that to your negative traits may be hard to love yourself even more. Self love means knowing how to value yourself and not thinking of yourself every time. I love having alone time but that doesnt mean I am not comfortable with people. I love talking to people and learning from them.Cultivating relationships are same as handling plants. You invest time, love, money and patience. It will never be easy as storms may pass by, but ensuring that everybody is secure and you have means to communicate, everything will be alright. 

ps. always do things with love ❤️

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A Tug of War (Mental health amidst Covid Crisis)

” How are you?””have you eaten yet?””Is work okay? How are you thriving?”As I was scrolling my parents chat on messenger, and I was engulfed by a deep set of emotions. It’s been two months already without any physical interaction with my familu and we in the Philippines, my beloved country have been struggling in fighting a pandemic for almost 5 months now.I know I haven’t posted alot these days, mainly because I was too caught up in life’s reality and we are constantly battling with an invisible enemy. Yes, I am a frontliner. I am a medical technologist on full time duty these days. As much as I want to be in my laptop typing words, I set this passion aside because I need to fulfill my duty to save our people and help my coworkers who are in this battle as well.On a daily, as I get up to work and prepared for a long day, before I will be picked up by our company service, I will walk a distance of two blocks to get to the main street where i will be picked up. There I saw countless of people on the street, mainly vendors, and others are those homeless individuals with no where to go. Seeing this scenarios, I kinda feel pity in my own country. Having a dysfunctional leadership and wasteful programs led to all of this piling up in our faces. Yes, I love my country. I was born and raised here. But I can’t help but feel ashamed on how my country is handling this pandemic even moreso seeing alot of people suffering because of the lack of proper crisis manangement.I am beginning to doubt if my/our efforts to fight off this war is worth all of it. It is a tug of war. And I know that we in our health sector are losing it. Even if our grip is tighter, the rope still slips off our caloused hands. Even if we pull harder to win, the burden is still mightier than our brave hearts and strong determination. Added to this fact is we are getting tired, physically and emotionally. With all the limited resources, the lack of support and increasing rate of positive cases, we can’t even imagine how we will foster those who are in need. Added to this fact are the criticisms being thrown at us by those in position. Telling us to work our asses of even more than what we can. 🥺 It is sad to live here,I must admit.So I am calling all those concerned hearts out there. Help us pull in this mighty tug of war. Take care of yourselves and others as well. Wear masks, wear it humbly. Not because you have it but because your worried of those who are with you on the train, those who are walking with you on the streets and most importantly your loved ones who are waiting for you at home.Being obedient in the protocols help us alot in this battle. A simple act of obedience can show so much care for us who are out there risking our lives. 💗

I AM ME & REAL series #2: You are who you thought you are.

Chapter 2 of my “I AM ME & REAL SERIES”..

Its been so long guys and alot has happened already. But that’s life, every now and then something happens and that’s the beauty of it. Life’s a constant change and so are you. You are not who you are yesterday. Each day there is something added to you and your soul is carved differently by each experiences. I believe each of us has wondered who they are exactly. Are you your past mistakes? Are you define by your title? Your status?your parents mistake? Or is it you who gets to define your own mark?

As a thinking millenial, many of us has been struggling our way to our own identity. Alot has been set in our society and most of them have already carved in their minds stereotypes and categories to which an individual should fit in. I always try to defy those categories. And I would be wise to advise it to you as well. To you whose been reading my posts, you would know that I always encourage my readers to find their own identity, their own passion, or so to speak, their calling.

You are who you thought you are and you could be who you dreamed to be. I always believe that the mind has immense power to transform our lives. What transcends in your own mind flows into your life and it happens. Believe me, it does.

Mind over matter. The power of your own thoughts. It is essential to recognize the ability of our mind to reshape our lives because it is our own navigator. God gave us our minds to help us figure out things on our own. It is imminent that things happen. But what how we respond to it shapes us, our character, our perceptions and in general, our life.

So as a challenge to you my dear reader, I want you to visualize who you want to be. And work your ass off towards it. It will always start with a thought but it should never ever end there. Mental affirmation is important but physical desperation is also a major key to accomplishing goals. Dream. Conquer. Achieve.

Just a gentle reminder.. what you think will not manifest fast. It could take years to happen. But always trust the process. It is more meaningful than the actual end could be. Enjoy the journey and never lose sight of your goals.

Xoxo,

Merryl Ann

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#Keep going (Mental Health Awareness Campaign)

In accordance to alot of socio-economic crisis that is happening in our country, people today have been raising awareness in alot of issues and right now, the most hot topic is mental health.

Having heard alot from it in the news and also the raising statistics of suicide in the Philippines is very alarming adding to the fact that there are some celebrities getting involve in the heated argument regarding how serious mental health is. I know that this is not just happening in our country but also all over the world and I would just like to share what I do believe would help tshare light regarding the issue.

Lately, as I observed alot from the sidetrack of all this, I came to realize that alot of this is rooting from people’s insensitivity. I cannot blame alot of it since having problems on our own is sometimes too much to handle and getting yourself involve in other’s struggles could be extra work too. But sometimes, a little “are you ok?” Or “you can talk to me” can really help in saving someone’s life. Helping others can’t just come from giving money, or offering extra hands, it can also come in kind words, caring thoughts and even just a simple smile or a tap on the back. Who knows what else you have  or can do to give light to a doomed persons’ life.

I don’t know in other countries but in the Philippines, people are known to be joyous and happy as our culture have alot of festivities, curated with mix beliefs and high sense of hope (as the saying, Wag kang mawawalan ng pag-asa, which means do not ever lose hope) digged in our minds even as a child by our elders. And it is quite alarming to see that even the happiest people on earth are fighting a battle no one’s even aware.

I, as a friend of someone dealing with depression,  knows how sadness can really affect a person’s whole thinking, it can go from “I am Okay :)” to “I want to die 🔫” real quick and seeing and understanding all the signs can really help save an individual’s life.

This fight against mental health could all just be learning to know how to understand the signs or even just being sensitive enough to what others feel. Here are some I have observed on people suffering from depression. (Not a professional regarding this but thought I might share some I know based on my experiences with people suffering from it.)

Too much happiness 

Sometimes being to happy and too energetic can still be a sign of dealing with something far from positive. People tend to divert theirselves from their own issues and redirecting it to other things or it could just be a mask to cover up their fucked up thoughts. A simple “are you okay?” Or “it’s okay to tell me everything” could help them face the reality of their problems.

Too quiet or frequent blank stares

People suffering from inner battles can sometimes seclude themselves from the rest of the world. They may not say anything or do something but you can see in their blank stares that there is something going on. A tap on the back or a simple “its okay” can help trigger them to talk to you and share what they are experiencing. Just be a good listener and it can be all that they want.

Too much shared content regarding sadness or some suicidal jokes

Almost all people are using social media as a means of expressing themselves and sometimes it can be a clue on what other people are going through. If you have a friend who likes a lot of sad quotes, sharing some content regarding people suffering from depression, or even posting weird things you can totally pinpoint to someone on the verge of a breakdown, it can be their own subconsciousness sending signals for help.

People are naturally curious about what is going on especially on their life. They can feel a bit of everything and try to search for explanation on the hows or whys of their situation. Being curious in these kind of things can be a key in knowing that someone might be feeling the same way and is trying to appease him/her that what they feel has an explanation or is also a reality to other people.

 

Seeing these signs may or may not pinpoint a person is currently suffering from suicidal tendencies, it can be just pure sadness and sometimes a fleeting feeling of inadequateness but always remember that little things can pile up and cause bigger problems. Why wait for things to get worse? So if you are feeling these things, or you know someone who quite fit these descriptions, kindly talk to them, ask someone for quality time, talk your problems out and always remember that you can always have a buddy to conquer your battles with.

I hate to hear news of someone causing his/her own life just because someone failed to ask how they are or because someone is too late to understand what is happening. It is a matter of initiative. An initiative to get better, an initiative to help others, an initiative to love and care for each other.

We all have problems and everyone is fighting over it in ways different from ours but we can all support each other and better each other in a way that no one gets left behind. So start a conversation, open yourself up and do not die alone. Killing yourself will not solve your feeling of loneliness, so if you ever hear a voice saying, “You could just die to end all of this” , tell it to fuck off because that is totally wrong. Because at the end of the day, If you come to a point of killing yourself, you are only spreading the disease of loneliness to the ones you love; your family, your friends, your partner, imagine them thinking what they had done wrong for you to come to that point? There was this conversation on How to kill a Rockstar and the conversation goes like this:

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”

But in reality, they are not stopping pain, they are spreading it. Curating false beliefs in the minds of people suffering the same that it would stop when they are killed. But no. They are actually building a cycle of pain that goes in circle. And don’t be a part of that cycle. We put an end to it.

So strengthen yourself, find beauty in everything and find your purpose to live. Because there are a lot of things we can still be grateful of. Do not lose hope and always remember to keep going. If you had the courage on planning to kill yourself, why not have the courage to stand up and turn your life around? Put your bravery in the right direction. Take risk in change rather in constant oblivion.

 

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Thank you for reading this post. I hope I encourage you all to take a stand in mental health awareness. Let’s all support each other and help fight depression

Xoxo,

Merryl Ann ❤